Trump Calls for Mandatory Whistle Buyback

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After a whistleblower complaint was filed by an internal Trump administration official about a troubling “promise” proffered during a call with a foreign head of state, the President has responded with a proclamation to ban all whistles from the country.

Trump stated “If a whistle was designed to blow to keep me from doing unethical and illegal things in cahoots with enemies of the state to line my own pockets, you will no longer be able to keep that whistle.

I will pry it from your cold, dead mouth.” He added “From the needle laden youth soccer fields of San Francisco to the disgusting, rat and rodent-infested basketball courts of Baltimore, to the shit hole Secret Service SCIFs at Mar-A-Lago and the White House, your whistles will be forcibly confiscated by my newly formed WAM(Whistles Are Mean) Force.

In exchange, one TrumpCoin, which is just like BitCoin, only 1000 times better, will be credited to your account.” No one can verify to which account the president is referring. When reached for comment, one White House official, on the condition of anonymity, stated “He really believes someone physically blew a whistle. And no one has the spine to tell him the truth, including me. This is the world we live in now.” One rural midwestern voter that we sat down with in a diner had this to say, “I have been pro-whistle ban since Larry Bird was called for a travel in a middle school basketball game in the mid 70’s. Whistles are the scourge of modern society. Dear Leader got this one right. Again.” Flo Rida could not be reached for comment.

Trump stated “If a whistle was designed to blow to keep me from doing unethical and illegal things in cahoots with enemies of the state to line my own pockets, you will no longer be able to keep that whistle.

I will pry it from your cold, dead mouth.” He added “From the needle laden youth soccer fields of San Francisco to the disgusting, rat and rodent-infested basketball courts of Baltimore, to the shit hole Secret Service SCIFs at Mar-A-Lago and the White House, your whistles will be forcibly confiscated by my newly formed WAM(Whistles Are Mean) Force.

In exchange, one TrumpCoin, which is just like BitCoin, only 1000 times better, will be credited to your account.” No one can verify to which account the president is referring. When reached for comment, one White House official, on the condition of anonymity, stated “He really believes someone physically blew a whistle. And no one has the spine to tell him the truth, including me.

This is the world we live in now.” One rural midwestern voter that we sat down within a diner had this to say, “I have been pro-whistle ban since Larry Bird was called for a travel in a middle school basketball game in the mid ’70s. Whistles are the scourge of modern society. Dear Leader got this one right. Again.” Flo Rida could not be reached for comment.

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