To The Stars. To Get Laid. A Movie Review.


A man too handsome for this world. Roy McBride, an objectively ugly name meant to tamp down the lead actor’s rampant, primal sexuality, is compelled to explore space. It is a desperate attempt to discover a celestial being worthy of his smoldering Earthly masculinity before he succumbs to the withers of old age. Ad Astra is the panty moistening, slack salting cinematic masterpiece we have been awaiting.

Brad Pitt delivers the transcendent performance we have long been expecting from the world’s best looking human being. A brave journey into the themes of human male attractiveness not seen since the Zoolander sequel, director James Gray’s most recent foray into filmmaking discovers a key lost long ago, or so we thought. He unlocks the entire solar system for Brad to unleash his steely gaze upon.

No longer playing second fiddle to B film actors such as George Clooney or Leonardo DiCaprio nor stretching the limits of human imagination by being tethered to Susan Sarandon, Gwyneth Paltrow or Angelina Jolie, Pitt unleashes a tour de force. In space. Pitt’s accessibility to a spectrum of alien beauty that mere mortals have no capacity to lay eyes on delves into the fragile psyche of a man who has finished swiping through Tinder with no terra-bound soulmate to share a life with, despite his mostly middling efforts.

Flexing a range of exasperated glances, forlorn looks and middle-distance staring, Pitt lays bare the soul of a man who is in dire need of inter-species connection. With hair that defies all known space physics, Pitt’s frantic search for love on the dark side of the moon and beyond is never lost on the viewing audience.

Ad Astra is rated PG for mild space violence and premature alien discharge. Running time: 2 hours 2 minutes.

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