After being cut by not only the real life New England Patriots but also from OJ Simpson’s fantasy football team over the course of a tumultuous 2 days, Antonio Brown has vowed to change his ways to align more closely with the legendary ‘Patriots Way’. Sources close to Brown say Antonio is hell-bent on coming back(to the Patriots) stronger than ever in 2020, and his first step in the process has been moving into OJ’s pool house, to absorb as much juice as possible from the man known as Juice.
“Antonio has so much to learn” an assistant to the player told us. “He knows virtually nothing about salary-cap manipulation, equipment tampering, large scale video espionage, serial killing, daily PED abuse, playing while legally brain-dead, human sex trafficking…the list goes on and on. This is going to be an arduous process, but we are confident OJ can get Antonio where he needs to be, from a mental standpoint.” A second assistant added, “Football is the last thing AB needs to be thinking about. From the physical side of the equation, he is one of the best of all time. His 24/7 focus needs to be on how to constantly and consistently get away with skirting the system.”
While he contemplated moving in with TB12, Antonio is already comfortable with cheating and leaving his baby’s momma for another woman and living that MAGA life, and felt he needed an upgrade to fully reach not only his own potential, but the expectations set by the New England Patriots organization.
“Unsolicited masturbation and a few intimidating, easily traceable texts DURING the season? That is Pop Warner level amateur hour,” scoffed one New England insider. “Bill Belicheat’s man tits were pulling off hilarious pranks like that back in pre-school,” the insider continued. “A true Patriot would have frozen both of his feet completely off in the cryotherapy chamber while illegally tampering with his helmet to make it seem up to NFL code simultaneously. AB picked up so many bad habits in Pittsburgh and Oakland, and I am not confident it is something he can unlearn,” the insider continued.
Our interview was cut short here as the insider was unceremoniously tased, fired and removed from the premises by a naked Rob Gronkowski as he wandered aimlessly around the facilities. A separate source confirmed Rob is not currently employed by the New England Patriots in any capacity.