Bernie Needs a Base(This Big)


A TFR(The Fake Report) Exclusive: Under the guise of a heart procedure, presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders underwent penile enlargement surgery on Wednesday with the full intention of expanding the size of his base.

“Organic base growth is no longer a feasible or reasonable expectation for a man of Bernie’s advanced age,” a person close to the Democratic Socialist senator shared with TFR. “Much like we need Medicare for all,” the source continued “we need to keep exploring ways to entice a bigger, wider, broader more engorged, ahem, excuse me, engaged base to the cause.”

“MORE GIRTH is the message we consistently hear from our most outspoken supporters, which tend to be women ages 18-RIP.” When asked to comment, every Bernard Brother within vicinity of our recorder turned flush in the cheeks and skulked into the shadows.

A hospital PR representative added “Yes, the Senator also had stents put into his arteries. A lifetime diet of pastrami on rye, challah and brisket will kill you. It will also decrease blood flow to your extremities, which is probably the reason why it seems like his base has had such shrinkage issues of late.” She also added “As a former Bernie supporter, it is quite evident to me that he hasn’t seen or made any meaningful contact with his base for years, possibly longer.”

“Once the procedure is complete and the junior Senator from Vermont is 100% recovered, we fully expect no more inadequate, pre-mature leaks to the press to occur,” the aide concluded, before rolling over and falling into a deep, satisfying sleep. This reporter, much like the vast majority of our reading audience, is left wanting more from this story. Please be on the lookout for updates as our reporting continues.

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