Biden Down on Dentures

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Democratic presidential hopeful Joe Biden and his team announced a plan today that will more closely align Mr. Biden with the principles and values of the Founding Fathers of the United States. His latest set of dentures will be made exclusively out of wood.

After a series of denture slippages on the debate stage and during campaign trail stump speeches led to an abnormally large number of gaffes, even for the former Vice President, a time for denture change was necessary, insisted aides close to Biden. “The typical acrylic resin and metal covered in plastic are no longer a feasible option for Scranton Joe. His gorgeous gaffe-filled middle class hero mouth is too tough for today’s sissified false teeth,” a campaign insider shared.

“He is going to Mount Vernon himself to cut down a cherry tree and work his own teeth out of the wood while riding the rails between Delaware and Washington DC, just like his personal hero and savior George Washington did in the 1700’s,” the insider continued.

An employee at the Mount Vernon Historical Library countered, “At no time did George Washington ever ride the rails between Delaware and Washington DC as no rail line existed there during his lifetime. Also, the wooden teeth thing? A myth. George’s false teeth were comprised of ivory, gold, lead, and human teeth. Wood was never used in Washington’s dentures nor was it commonly employed by dentists in his era. Please encourage your campaign rally crowds to read. I beg of you. The future of our democracy, if we are to continue having one, depends on it.”

One other idea floated by the campaign was having Biden’s dentures made up of the breakfast cereal Corn Pops, a tip of the cap to Biden’s Wilmington poolside nemesis William ‘Corn Pop’ Morris. However, the former Vice President could not stop eating his teeth, so another option was deemed necessary.

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