WASHINGTON- In a dramatic shift of United States military policy in Syria, the White House on Sunday proclaimed that President Trump has given Turkish president Recep Tayyip Erdogan full autonomy in the region that could potentially wipe out previously American-backed Kurdish forces at the Syrian border.
The Kurdish fighters, who have long been an American ally in fighting ISIS in Northern Syria, fell in disfavor of the President late last night, according to sources close to the President. “For the past three years, President Trump operated under the assumption that the Kurds fighting against ISIS were the soft, white substance formed when milk sours and is used to make cheese, commonly referred to as a curd. Our president has a real soft spot for soft, white, fatty substances that go bad, especially from the Mid-West, where he won yugely(sic) in 2016,” the source stated.
“When he accidentally discovered the Kurds were actually an Iranian ethnic group that his third favorite food and fifth favorite country considered a terrorist insurgency, Trump went crazy pants insane and was inconsolable,” the source continued. “We had to force feed him five tragically over-cooked deep fried turkeys slathered in ketchup. Once the tryptophan kicked in, that sundowning son-of-a-bitch slept like a lamb. We got him out on the golf course the next day, I do not think he even remembers what happened.”
While it is unclear how long or extensive the Turks having unfettered access in the area will last, other food-based cities and countries are preparing for the worst. Both Lima, Peru and Brussels, Belgium have ramped up their military exercises across the globe, as any food deemed healthy poses a threat to this presidency. Armed forces in the Frankfurt and Hamburg region of Germany, on the other hand, remain unfazed and continue to stand down.