In an effort to quell the recent controversy surrounding the NBA and China, the league announced that the Fujian Sturgeons will win the NBA championship in the upcoming 2019-2020 season.
“The NBA loves democracy, almost as much as we love our Chinese fan base,” Commissioner Adam Silver said. “So, in an unprecedented move, we were very democratic and asked our team owners, er, governors to vote on the league champion for the upcoming season.”
“We are pleased to announce the Fujian Sturgeons will be the league champions this year. We understand that the Sturgeons are not actually in the league, but we further asked the teams to waive that minor requirement.”
It was also announced that the Larry O’Brien trophy, given to the NBA champion each season, will be renamed the Mao Zedong trophy.
Beijing Ducks forward Zhang Zhou, despite averaging only 2.8 points per game last season, will also be selected in advance as the 2019-2020 NBA Most Valuable Player.
“We are thrilled with the support of our Chinese fans and we are certain none of them would dare protest in Hong Kong,” Silver added. We thank the government of China for allowing its citizens to be enthusiastic supporters of our league. The Chinese people love basketball and the NBA. Heck, they even think Jimmer Fredette is a good player. I was in China over the summer and you wouldn’t believe all of the Zion Williamson jerseys I saw at the Linglong Tire plant in Shandong. Way more than on the streets of New Orleans.”
With the Sturgeons predetermined as the NBA champions, the league will be reaching out to fans of all of its franchises in the coming weeks with a new marketing campaign, dubbed We’re All Knicks Fans Now. As all regular season and playoff games will be meaningless, it will be just like watching the Knicks, whose games have been meaningless for years.
Fans around the country appear to be a bit perplexed by the announcement with many in coastal NBA cities wondering, “What’s a sturgeon?”