Former President of the United States of America Jimmy Carter was back building houses today for Habitat for Humanity, mere days after requiring 14 stitches from a fall that occurred while building a home for Habitat for Humanity on Sunday.
“Please, help me” the 95 year old Carter was heard begging a gaggle of reporters when he was approached about how he continues to do good work despite his advanced age and numerous ailments over the past few years, before he unsuccessfully tried to throw himself off the roof of the latest house he is working on.
After picking himself up and dusting himself off, Mr. Carter proceeded, “In 1984, I agreed to assist Habitat for Humanity in building one house. I needed the publicity for my peanut farm, which I had to put in a blind trust that Habitat for Humanity secretly controlled during my 4 years as President of these United States,” Mr. Carter stated. He continued ” In the past 35 years, they have forced me to work alongside more than 103,000 volunteers in 14 countries to build, renovate or repair 4,331 homes, and I still don’t know where my darned peanuts are. I WANT MY NUTS!!!”
When asked how he has recovered so quickly from brain cancer, a broken hip and severe dehydration over the past 5 years, amongst a host other maladies, a spokesman for the Carter family told us “Jimmy has been trying to end his relationship with these tyrannical do-gooders for a while now via natural causes, to no avail. He literally prays to God each and every night for the sweet release of death, but all he gets in response are text messages from Habitat for Humanity telling him, just three more houses, Jimmy. Then you can go home. But he never gets to go home.”
“I just want my nuts back. My sweet, precious peanuts. Have you seen them? Are they all right?? I WANT MY NUTS!” were the last words we heard the 39th President of the United States utter before being escorted off the grounds by another Habitat for Humanity hero, Warrick Dunn. Warrick also pleaded for assistance, then was immediately hit in the head with a shovel and dragged back to the property by two unknown assailants/selfless humanitarians.