New study suggests rise in sea ice could improve mood of depressed teenagers


Researchers at the University of Southwest Des Moines suggest an increase in sea ice in a colder climate may lead to another ice age, thereby improving the mental health of certain whiny teenagers.

Using computer simulations, the researchers suggest the rise in seas ice could alter the circulation of the ocean, which could reverse the greenhouse effect, reducing temperatures.

Lead researcher, Ben Afflick said, “We really have no confidence in computer simulations, as those related to the warming of the earth’s atmosphere have been wildly inaccurate.  Nevertheless, we throw junk out there and the press just runs with it like we know what we’re doing.  Mostly, we just do this stuff when we take breaks from playing Resident Evil 2.”

If anything remotely similar to what their computer models spit out actually occurs, things could get really cold, Afflick suggested.  Yachting or any other water sport anywhere north of Costa Rica would be non-existent. 

The last ice age was about 2.5 million years ago.  Scientists think there was probably a mini-ice age about 12,800 years ago, around the same time a Washington, DC team last won a World Series.

Afflick noted that he is often confused with the actor who has a similar name, but a different spelling.

He said, “The real purpose of this research is to get that Greta kid to stop whining about something that will never happen – global warming disaster.  I mean, she needs to go on a date, play some soccer, binge watch a TV show or something.  She’s depressing other teens and annoying the hell out of adults.”

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