Jose Altuve, the diminutive second baseman for the Houston Astros, knows his time in Texas is almost over. Despite having the strike zone the size of a pixel, Altuve still managed to whiff to make the penultimate out in what would be a game 7 World Series loss to his and the city of Houston’s arch-nemesis, the swamp infested Washington Nationals.
After a humiliating chorus of boos and ridicule rained down on Dear Leader Trump during his visit to Nationals Park on Sunday, it became clear that the orange clad Astros would be both the figurative and literal face of the President and would also be a national referendum on his presidency. And the Astros choked and failed like a dog. Now the Latin and South American players on the Astros await their fates in detention centers on the US/Mexican border after ICE rounded them up after the final out on Wednesday night at Minute Maid Park.
Sources close to ICE, speaking on the condition of anonymity, believe Jose will be one of the lucky ones, stating “His small stature gives off the appearance of a child. He will be separated from his parents and adopted through the Betsy DeVos backed Bethany Christian Services in Michigan, where he will live the rest of his days in relative obscurity as the starting second baseman for the Detroit Tigers.” The source continued “I can not speak to what happens to Correa, Alvarez, Gurriel and the rest of the Latino players, other than to say I hope they enjoy drinking toilet water, because that is at good as it gets for them from here on out.” When asked about domestic abuser and World Series lightning rod Roberto Osuna, the source claimed “He is already being groomed as the next running mate for the President. That is all I know.”
A spokesperson for the President released a statement saying US troops returning from Syria would be sent to Texas to protect the oil from the deep-state after the stunning defeat. When reached to clarify, General Joseph Dunford, former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff had this to say, “Clearly, the President’s brain consists of cheeto dust, spray tan vapors, severely over-cooked hamburger meat and nothing else. The synapses just do not fire. We have sent one life-size cardboard cut out of Senator Ted Cruz wearing a GI Joe helmet borrowed from the collection of dolls Don Jr. keeps at Camp David to protect one oil in Texas. That is all I and anyone else with a functioning mind has to say on the matter.”
Jeff Luhnow, the current General Manager of the Astros, when reached on who will replace the exodus of cheap, controllable talent, referred us to a naked Rob Gronkowski, who was fielding grounders in a nearby Walmart parking lot. Gronkowski beaned me with a 96 mile an hour fastball after he assumed the double play, ran down a make-shift first base line and scored what appeared to be a go-ahead run before snorting a metric ton of adderall and disappearing onto a yacht anchored in the Gulf of Mexico.