Cutting the Spice


After two months of piss poor scores, exasperated judges, an irate viewing audience and a wardrobe prone to make audience members pray for blindness, former press secretary Sean Spicer, most fondly remembered for bravely hiding in bushes from reporters due to his inability to answer a question without perjuring himself, was finally eliminated from ABC’s hit TV show “Dancing With the Stars.”

Objectively the worst dancer to ever grace the “DWTS” stage, Spicer never-the-less was able to make it to the final 6 of the competition series with a determined block of voters, ranging from the American Nazi Party, to the Ku Klux Klan, to Identity Europa and even the President of the United States himself.

Despite heroic and historic turnout from the Proud Boys at at the phone banks last night and a costume department hell-bent on captivating viewers by following the shiniest object, Spicer’s run is over. A source close to the show stated, “The decision for him to be on the show was made way above my pay-grade, and even though he is a neo-fascist, that was tough to watch. Dude is as spicy as a tepid spoonful of mayonnaise cut with skim milk, but that man still has a family he has to look in the eyes. If he still has a family at all.” A small tear descended from this source’s eye as (s)he pondered Spicer’s family…

A dancer who did not have to work with Spicer added, “The poor guy is more unpopular than pineapple on a pizza. Pirates enjoyed contracting scurvy more than people wanted to watch this guy ‘dance’. A leper colony is currently a more desirable location to spend an evening than in our studio audience. It was an embarrassment to the profession. But hey, if we can assist in any way in rehabilitating a white nationalist’s image, who am I to defy Disney? It is probably what ole Walt would have wanted.”

The President, who tweeted support for Spicer and encouraged his base to vote for him before quickly deleting it after Spicer’s humiliating elimination, holds yet another loss in a string of stinging defeats in competitions he has attended over the past month. From the Washington Nationals loss in Game 5 of the World Series that he attended, to Virginia’ entire state legislature going blue, to Matt Bevin’s failed re-election campaign in Kentucky, to Alabama football’s first home loss in 31 games, and now Spicer, it has not been a good month for the Snowflake-in-Chief’s fragile ego. On the plus side, the FBI’s Domestic Terrorism division has reported a 500% decrease in hate crimes during “Dancing With the Stars” time slot over the past 9 weeks, which the President now has going for him. Which is nice.

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