The newly elected district attorney of San Francisco, Chesa Boudin, has stated that certain “quality of life” crimes will not be prosecuted in the future. He cited public camping, offering or soliciting sex, public urination, blocking a sidewalk as examples of such crimes.
This is great news to Millard Walpole, director of the San Francisco Office of tourism. “We are excited about this new direction in prosecution in San Francisco,” Walpole said. “This greatly enhances our ability to market San Francisco tourism. In connection with the DA’s office, we have come up with some exciting new tourism campaigns for our lovely city.”
Walpole went on to list the initial efforts of the new campaigns:
San Francisco: Your defecation destination
San Francisco – Everybody’s toilet (without the flushing)
San Francisco – The bodily fluids capital of the world
Don’t wait, urinate
When you think quality of life, we think public urination
Sex is great in one of San Francisco’s world class hotels, but it’s even better on our sidewalks
While barely able to contain his enthusiasm, Walpole added, “This is a great start for our new tourism campaign. If these don’t speak to “quality of life” issues, we don’t know what does. Some of these slogans will be available as bumper stickers. Of course, it will remain illegal to place any of these bumper stickers on any gas guzzling automobile, although it is perfectly acceptable to place them on a bumper of electric vehicles as well as those that run on kale smoothies.”
For Boudin’s part, he does not seem content with just this small list of crimes that will no longer be prosecuted. He sees the list growing in the near future.
“I hate crime,” Boudin said. “Therefore, I will be working with the city council to expand the list, including possibly eliminating all laws. If there are no laws, there are no laws to break. Then there would be no crime. I’m not sure why someone hasn’t thought of this before.”
Boudin’s parents were part of that community outreach organization, The Weather Underground, in the 1970s. They were both convicted and incarcerated for the infamous Brinks robbery and murder of two cops and a guard.
Boudin added, “Both robbery and murder were still considered major crimes back in those days. We see them as “quality of life’ crimes now and we won’t prosecute those, or any other laws anymore, at least until the city council eliminates all laws.”