Doomsday thinkers calculate end of world probabilities


A group of eminent scientists, physicists, mathematicians and ethicists gathered recently to discuss end of the world and identified some of the more likely scenarios.  In an article in Scientification magazine entitled Adios, People! Pick Your Poison, the authors laid out various scenarios and the likelihood any would occur to bring about the end of civilization. 

The authors started with two assumptions, A) That neither they, nor anyone else has any sort of knowledge about human beings and our position in the human timeline and B) The media will take whatever they say at face value and run with it.  So, they took some darts, a lot of brandy and went to work.

  1. Giant asteroid hits New York City – Probability .000000008445%

This would be catastrophic to the world and lead to global panic in the financial markets, assuming they even still existed, not to mention virtually end New York style pizza.  Of course, should the asteroid strike Madison Square Garden during a Knicks game, scarcely a person would notice.

2. World-wide pandemic – Probability .00000000620%

Ebola, bird flu or SARS haven’t killed off humans yet and it’s unlikely that any of these will in the future.  However, any virus that attacks only the smug elites could have disastrous effects, according to the smug elites who produced the article in question.

The probability of this scenario happening is somewhat low, nonetheless the authors suggest that people not buy any food items with an expiration date of more than 75,000 years.  Hostess Twinkies come to mind.

3. No offspring of US Democratic politicians are employed in the Ukraine – Probability .000000002717%

This may not be very likely to happen, given the propensity of kids of Democratic      politicians making millions working in the Ukraine.  In fact, Democratic politicians seem     to have more ties to Ukrainians than Ukrainians do. Still, it’s fun to think about them           having to get honest work, such as Amtrak train conductors or medical device marketing reps. 

4. The climate temperature increases by 0.5% over the next 100 years – Probability .000000000000000000000008%

The authors generally agreed that this has no chance of occurring no matter what the human species does or doesn’t do to reduce fossil fuels, even if plastic straws or outlawed world-wide.  Having said that, they do note that life expectancy in the United States has dropped recently.  The authors believe there is a direct correlation to the appearance of climate scold Greta Thunberg onto the world stage.

Co-author Lud Svensson noted, “Life expectancy in the United States was humming along at 79.6 years before that sourpuss showed up.  Now it is only 79.3 years. There can be no other explanation.”

5. Flood, famine and locusts – Probability .00000000000000000000000000008%

Similar to #4.  Although floods, famine and, yes, even locusts have always been with us, none alone or combined are likely to bring about the end of human existence, the authors claim.  Yet, there are some parts of the world where floods, famine and locusts would be an improvement – like Newark, New Jersey, certain parts of Botswana and, of course, Washington, DC.

6. Machines take over the world – Probability .0001642%

There have been great advancements in machines and robots over the years.  We have a wealth of information at our fingertips and machines can do more and are smarter than ever.  However, until they create a dishwasher that actually washes dishes or a machine that makes a fantastic dry martini, the authors believe humankind is safe.

7. Brexit finally happens – Probability .0148213%

This is actually a fairly likely scenario and, if they pull it off, could lead to the end of the world as European Union leaders would rather die and take the rest of the world with them than give up any power.

For its part, the authors believe Great Britain will look around and wonder, “Now, what do we do?  Where’s Churchill?”

8. Roseanne Barr returns to the sitcom The Conners as her character’s long-lost twin sister, Inga – Probability .579999999999%

Not only is this the most likely scenario to occur, it is the most likely to bring about the    end of mankind.

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