Leftist think tank rants about The Christmas Song

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Left-wing alarmists, who never met anything they could not get upset about, have decided they don’t like the popular song for the holidays, The Christmas Song. 

Zach Vortmann, Executive Director of the Leftist Sustainability Institute in Chicopee, Massachusetts said they have reviewed all of the song lyrics and find them highly objectionable.  The Leftist Sustainability Institute has issued a report that it analyzes the song and offers its objections.

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire

This is extremely bad for the environment.  There should never be any fires, period!  Have they seen California?  The whole state is on fire.  Just imagine how much is soot floating into the ozone.  And chestnuts, don’t even get us started.

Jack Frost nipping at your nose

Talk about white male patriarchy.  Where is the transgender holiday character of color?  We should boycott.

Yuletide carols being sung by a choir

This song makes it sound like things on this planet are okay.  Things are not okay, people!

And folks dressed up like Eskimos

This is really racist.  And if we don’t get serious about climate change, forget Eskimos, we’ll all be dressed like faucet sales conventioneers on Maui.

Everybody knows some turkey and some mistletoe

Look, we all know what goes on underneath the mistletoe and it isn’t pretty.  Harvey Weinstein had a truck load in his office all year around.  And forget the turkey.  Eat some tofu and kale for a change. 

Help to make the season bright

The earth does not need bright.  That just uses more fossil fuels and burns up the earth faster.  You know we’ve only got 12 years left, right?

Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow

These kids are being badly misled by their parents.  They should be more like Greta Thunburg, hopeless, morose, self-righteous and angry.  That’s how they should live their lives.

Will find it hard to sleep tonight

Sleep?  With all of these problems, who can sleep?

They know that Santa’s one his way

Everyone should put away their childhood fantasies and learn that everything good comes from government, not from some made-up gift-giver. Parents, this falls on you.  Do your job and be parents.  They should look at a real life gift-giver, like Elizabeth Warren.  Besides, Santa travels around the world in a single night.  What kind of carbon footprint does that leave?

He’s loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh

Enough with the toys and goodies.  Forget it already.  If elected, Warren proposes free college and free healthcare.  She should be coming down your chimney, not Santa.

And every mother’s child is gonna spy

Spying is the government’s job.  Let the pros handle it, please. 

To see if reindeer really know how to fly

If we get our way soon, the Green New Deal will shut down all air travel for planes and for reindeer.

So I’m offering this simple phrase

Are you kidding?  Nothing is simple!

To kids from one to ninety-two

Anyone still alive at ninety-two is well beyond their expiration date.  It’s their duty to get off the planet and stop using up all the resources.  The rest of us are here.  Die already!

Merry Christmas to you

Oh, for God’s sake!

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