VATICAN CITY – Yesterday, while leading a Catholic congregation in mass, instead of starting with the usual greetings Pope Francis chose to discuss how he always wished he could’ve gone to public school. Saying, “My parents made me go, but they never really got me.” During his homily, Pope Francis spoke about the ways in which he is hoping to improve the Catholic Church, and his belief that Catholics need to focus on the issues of the modern world, before stopping to ask the congregation if any of them actually still believed this shit.
Throughout the mass, Pope Francis made it clear that he feels the odds of anything in the Bible having actually happened are pretty small and expressed his view that, “There may be something in the universe that connects us, but does it really need a name? Why don’t we just call it love?”
In an especially unusual moment, Pope Francis decided to skip the planned reading and instead spent fifteen minutes playing a Ricky Gervais Destroys Religion Youtube video. While giving the homily, Pope Francis then told the crowd that he considers himself a highly spiritual person, with a deep red aura, but isn’t sure the whole organized religion thing is for him. While blessing the Eucharist, Pope Francis was seen rolling his eyes, and overheard complaining to one of the Deacons that he can’t believe his parents still make him wake up early for this.
After the mass, Pope Francis took some time to shake hands, bless the parishioners, and to show off the new free-spirit tattoo he got while backpacking through Europe, before recommending that they all check out the movie Religulous. While speaking with a group of children, Pope Francis asked them if they still thought Santa was real before proceeding to warn them that that’s not the only thing their parents have been lying to them about. At press time, Pope Francis was beginning to dabble in yoga, meditation, and Buddhism.